Communication Complications

I can't find my bloody tablet pen! Always, when I feel like doodling, I lose my pen, or the tablet, or my sketchbook, or my house...
So, another picture-less blog. Le sigh ~

I have a speech impediment. A stammer or stutter to be precise. There are three main types of stutterers: First, is the type who repeats a part of the word (h-h-h-hello). Second is the type who repeats the whole word (my my my my name is Paul). And finally, the type who pause in place of repeating (............nice to .....meet you). I am the last of these three types. Out of the three, I think I lucked-out. People just think I'm mentally slower, as oppose to a stuttering mess. Yippee. 

No one really knows what causes stuttering. And after years of speech therapy I can tell you its not an easy thing to be trained out of. I don't even know if its a mental or physical issue. I assume mental, but if so then why hasn't my stubbornness allowed me to overcome it in these 22 years? I'm not depressed, I've come from a very loving home. I have no learning disabilities or mental illnesses. I didn't have any health problems as a child. Bar this and my dark sense of humour there isn't much else wrong with me.

I remember it as a child. It was much worse when I was younger, and I detested having to speak, especially aloud in class. I remember having to recite the eight-times-tables in primary school and breaking down into tears. Or trying to read Shakespeare in my third year of secondary school and becoming so embarrassed I just sat back down. As a child it can do a lot of damage to your confidence (though you probably can't tell, because I'm pretty amazing right now).

Nowadays, upon meeting me many people don't realise I have a stammer. It's not that it's not there any more, it's just that through the years you learn to develop tricks. You know, to fool people into thinking you're not an idiot that can't master a basic skill.
"You have a stutter? I've known you for six months and I didn't notice. When you paused I thought you were thinking." - well, I was thinking, but not about the discussion. You don't realise, but when I'm stuck on a word, this little pause gives me time to scan my brain for a phonetically easier word of the same meaning, or a rearrangement of the sentence that is easier and still makes sense. For example:
"It starts at n-" I'm struggling to say 'nine-thirty,' I'll change it to "half nine."
"I went to a theme park during the h-" I'm struggling to say 'holiday,' I'll change to "vacation" (resorted to using American. Arg)!

It's not just about the word itself either. When talking, we apply more stress to key words and emphasise words differently according to their placement in the sentence. If the stress is put on a word with a phonetically harsh sound, I will most likely have difficulty saying it. For example:
"I live in Korea." - 'Korea is the main focus here, and K is a very harsh sound to produce, so I would usually struggle with this. However, change it to:
"I live in Korea, but I'm actually English." - the stress has shifted to 'but,' I will be able to skim over saying 'Korea' and will have an easier time putting emphasis on the softer B sound. The sentence will be easer to say, even though it is longer.

Annoying isn't it? This is constant. Any time I'm speaking, I'm doing this. So understandably if I'm tired or sick I can't be bothered, and my speech is much worse. It probably doesn't sound like a big issue - it's just a few extra seconds between words or a few extra syllables, but actually it's a very frustrating aspect of my life, as I'm guessing it is for people similar to myself. 
No one knows why it occurs or what causes it, so no one knows how to fix it. It's not quite a disability, so sometimes people can be impatient or unforgiving. Or they try to offer advice like "slow down" or "breathe more."  As kind as the intentions may be, it's completely ignorant. It's like telling a kid with acne to "go wash your face." Acne is due to a hormone imbalance and excess oils. If it was as easy as washing their face, don't you think they would? The same goes for this. If it was as easily fixed, I wouldn't have a problem.

I don't know why I do it, and actually it can be very painful when my neck and jaw are tense all day. And it's so frustrating. As you can tell by my writing, I'm a person with a lot to say. If I were confident with speaking I probably would have chosen a more theatrical path as oppose to the recluse life of an art student. And it was only after so many years of perfecting my tricks that I had the confidence to pursue teaching. Even now I wish I was more eloquent so that I'd have the balls to apply for university lecturing, but university bastards ask a lot of questions.

I don't like discussing my stammer very often. It is the only thing in my life that's limited me, and I'm the type of person who hates limitations. I know I've been rather successful in my life, but it's something I've had to consider with every life decision I've made. Not because I would be uncomfortable - I've gotten over that part now - but because I feel I would be putting others at a disadvantage. Yes I could apply for that lecturing job, but I'm sure the students won't appreciate a full minute pause between sentences. Yes I can help you with that fund-raiser, but it may be best if someone else reads out the names of the raffle winners. Yes co-worker, I can help you with the English oral examination, but I feel that I should grade whilst you ask the questions, or we will be here all day.

Sigh.
Oh well. I suppose everyone has their flaws. And it's probably best I am limited when talking, or else I'd probably never shut up. 

I do enjoy writing though.