I felt I should bring this up because a few of my friends have been asking about Korean men and what the differences are with dating. Trust me darlings, it's different...
Korean men and women are different from English men and women, obviously. It's our difference in cultures. So to expect things here to be the same as back home would be stupid, but even so I've found myself caught off-guard with a lot of things.
I'm going to give you the general idea first so you can understand a little better, but before I do I want you to understand that I'm speaking generally and using stereotypes - not every Korean person is like this, in the same way not every British person enjoys tea.
...that was a flat-out lie. How can you not love tea?
Korea is very superficial. When I say this I am referring to the way people look only. When it comes to housing and family and architecture and elders and food then for the most part Koreans are very humble, kind and generous people, but a beautiful face goes a long way here (and I will touch more on that in another post). If you are not beautiful, you will live a hard life, part of this being dating.
Now of course there is an element of this everywhere, but in Korea its not sugar-coated at all. If you're "ugly" then there is no hope for you. And even if you are with someone who you feel is handsome but your family and/or friends thinks they are beneath you, you will receive a tremendous amount of pressure to end your relationship.
A good example of this would be Lee Hyori. Lee Hyori is a famous pop star here. She has been in the industry for a long time and is older now, so she decided to make her relationship with her boyfriend public. When she described her boyfriend, she said something along the lines of "My life was filled with money and fame, but when I walked into his house it was filled with flowers and books. He had everything I didn't." - Sounds romantic right? Sadly, her reasons for loving him were completely over-looked because her boyfriend was an average-looking man. Her fans were furious, and when asked how her mother reacted to their relationship Hyori replied that her mother burst into tears over the fact that her daughter had settled for an ugly man.
Did the mother stop to think that this man may the the most kind and gentle person, set on making Hyori happy for the rest of her life? Not a chance, because that doesn't seem to matter here.
What I've gathered from my exposure here is that women want a man who is handsome, rich, educated, traveled and tall. Preferably older with a good job. Whether he is kind or romantic or fun or even has time for them completely takes a back-seat. In turn, men want a woman who is cute and doll-like and lives for them. An angel he can show off to his friends. Whether she can think or not isn't really important.
Actually it's rather sad. When talking with Korean boys the general response I have gotten is that girls are only after money, and they'll drop you fast if someone richer and more handsome comes along. On the girls side the general view is that men only see them as trophies or toys, so they may as well get what they can from them. Heartbreaking, honestly. And most people don't even have time to put effort into their relationships anyway because they are either studying or working all the time.
Dating foreigners however is another story. Generally foreign men are either seen as handsome, chizzled gentlemen or dirty, big men praying on innocent little Asian girls. Foreign women are either seen as beautiful big-eyed, big-breasted goddesses, or dirty, untrustworthy sluts. It's a hit or miss really. Though most of the time I've found that if a Korean girl is dating a foreign man, it is slightly frowned upon. But, if a Korean man is dating a foreign woman, the man is hailed as a god. Though, again, I'm just generalizing from my own experiences.
It's not all bad though. I see many couples here who seem happy and loved up. Both Korean-Korean and Korean-foreign. And not all families are a pain in the arse. But even if you are very happily dating there are a few things to take note of that are different from back home.
Now, when you first start dating, you should be aware that Koreans don't really have a dating-period. You know that bit of time where you like someone and your dating but you're not quite a couple yet? In Korea you're either boyfriend and girlfriend or your not. I made that mistake...
If you become a couple, take note of the day your relationship started, because Korean couples (especially teenagers and young adults) count the days they have been together. A little creepy, but it can be kind of sweet. On your hundredth day you both get couple rings - these aren't engagement rings. These are simply rings to show that you are loyal to someone, which brings me on to my next point.
When you do become a couple, you have to drop all your friends of the opposite gender. In Korea, guys and girls can't really be friends. It's a little strange. And if you have a partner, they will most likely become very jealous of the friends you do have. Also, if you are alone with someone of the opposite gender, it is assumed you are a couple, even if you aren't. So if you plan to meet a female friend alone who is not your girlfriend, be prepared for a million questions, followed by your phone exploding the entire time your out, finished with an argument to end the day because you just weren't responding fast enough.
At first it seems mental, right? But actually I've noticed that there is a certain lack of loyalty here...
It's not just the young people. Many of my friends have told me their parents sleep around. Or that their parents hate each other and use them as an excuse to stay together. I've also heard numerous stories about business men getting drunk together after work and hiring some prostitutes, despite having a family at home. Sometimes it's not even considered adultery because they were simply "bonding with the boss."
Actually, I have been approached several times and offered money in return for sex (because all foreign girls are sluts, obviously). I've even had men who have clearly indicated they have girlfriends/wives approach me with the line "It's okay. You're a foreigner so it doesn't count."
The young people here, having observed the old-fashioned, perverse ways of their parents and seniors understandably aren't trusting when they enter relationships, or they treat their partners in a similar fashion to how their parents treat each other. Which brings me onto my next point: sex.
Koreans are very naive when it comes to sex. Being from Europe, I was very exposed and very educated on the matter (British people are sluuuuuuts), but here the topic is still rather taboo. It's not really taught in schools and people don't like to talk about it, meaning a lot of people are aren't informed of the dangers, or even what it's about. I think this is also why many people have found themselves stuck in marriages they despise; usually the result of getting pregnant at a young age.
It is common for Korean people to have very few sexual partners all their lives - whilst Europeans encourage sexual exploration, Koreans consider you a bad person if you have been with too many people. It is also common - when you enter a relationship - to not have sex for the first year or so, or to not have sex regularly. Sadly, I'm guessing this is why prostitution is so high here... Because of their lack of exposure, young Koreans can be very naive.
Now, don't bitch at me for this - I'm talking from my own experience. ...don't misinterpret that either. I mean, being the foreigner, usually my Korean friends feel much more relaxed talking about this kind of thing with me. Perhaps they feel they will not be judged by me in the same way they would another Korean person? Anyway, I want you to read some of the things young Korean people (young adults) have said/ asked me, and you'll see what I'm talking about:
"A girl can orgasm? How? They don't have a penis."
"It's okay if I just lay there. The boy will feel good anyway right?"
"My friend got his girlfriend pregnant... but how? They only had sex once."
"I tried sex but I don't like it. Only boys enjoy sex."
"It's okay. There is no chance of a baby if I don't finish."
"Korea has no STI's."
"Can old women have sex? When girls get old their vaginas close up. That's why they can't have periods, right?"
These were all serious questions from Korean students. People in their early twenties. Can you understand why I say what I do?
I was going to name this blog "Dating in Korea" but I don't think I shall... it's not a very nice representation of dating culture here and I want you to know that it's not all like this. I'm simply trying to highlight the differences and the problems you may encounter if you date in Korea. Of course there are many exceptions and if you are a foreigner dating a Korean your partner will likely be more than aware that you have a different culture and may see things a little differently.
As for my relationship, I think I got lucky. Hes not superficial. Hes not paranoid. He doesn't care what his friends think of me and he listens to my side of things.
We have been together 174 days.
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